Always respect the excuse of another couple, even if you know it’s bullshit. For example: you agree to meet a couple for dinner with the expectation that if all goes well you’ll be playing with them. However, as dinner progresses, the other couple “gets a text” that their kid is sick or some other emergency, shake hands and move on. Don’t try to convince them to stay and play or be pushy. Couples are not good at being direct if things aren’t clicking, so lame excuses are quite common. Accept that it will happen and don’t take it too personally. The successes in the lifestyle feel way better than the failures hurt.
Do you use condoms? Tell them. You like creampies? Talk about it. You like it rough? Say so. He’s gagging you and you’re not into it? Ask him to stop.
A couple in a LTR will learn their partners interests and quirks over time. Swingers have maybe a dinner, often less, to get to know someone before sex, it’s important to communicate with your partners what you’re looking for and your limits.
- No means no, consent is sexy — just because people show an interest in you, doesn’t mean you have to do anything and vice versa
- Talk about safety/health
- Don’t play rough (e.g., slapping, choking, restraint) unless it’s been explicitly discussed as being on the table; seriously, even if you are a passive ass-slapper, keep it contained and ASK instead
- Don’t be crass right off the bat (nothing is a bigger turn-off than some dude being all “I want to fuck your wife!” to my hub when I’m sitting right there.)
- Use condoms
- Don’t grope / grab ass; talk first, establish consent, then go to town
- Don’t be an asshole, in general (hub offered that one)
- Don’t be a drunk asshole (friend offered that one)
- Don’t talk about other couples or your other sexual conquests
- Hygiene (brush your teeth, take a shower, wear clean clothes)
- Don’t discuss potentially polarizing subjects in a mixed forum (e.g., discussing how much you make, religion, politics, hunting/gun-ownership, etc.)
- Don’t expect anything — just because you go out with a single/couple (and even if you pay for drinks/dinner) doesn’t mean you get fucked
- Always have an out — even if you are with your SO, have someone who KNOWS where you are, and can be your emergency contact; we’ve heard some horror stories from other couples about predatory couples/parties
- Keep an eye on your own shit; if you go to a party, don’t bring a ton of stuff with you and basically lock the rest of your stuff in your car or a safe place. You don’t want to be the asshole who’s phone got lifted and you freak out.
- If you’re meeting people online and they aren’t “verified” via the site’s mechanism, ask for verification (of both parties) either via phone call or reddit pic verification — that way you aren’t stuck meeting a random dude with no female partner (“She couldn’t make it!”) or getting pic-farmed by a creep
- Don’t talk about yourself all night; brush up on your conversation skills and ask questions and engage in a dialogue w/ the other couple. If one of the parties is quieter, ask them specific questions (even “What do you think?”) to draw them in. There ARE shy people in the lifestyle!